I remember as a Christian being told that “god has a meaning for your life”.  During my de-conversion I worried that life suddenly has no meaning.  If I wasn’t meant to serve the invisible sky daddy any more so I can have eternal bliss what was the point?  This sent me into quiet a bit of depression.  One of the many reasons I sought help.  I also began to read a lot of responses online regarding this.  The main thing I came to was that my life has the meaning I ascribe to it.  My life is important because it’s important to me and those who care about me.

Processed with VSCO with e5 preset

This premise was hard for me to swallow.  If you’ve ever suffered from depression you know that it can be hard to find yourself important to yourself let alone anyone else’s eyes.  So again I found my self struggling with a deeper depression.  I guess when I was a believer I always thought of my sky daddy caring about me even if no one else did.  That gave me some comfort.  Not having that security blanket anymore I felt exposed.  I say that in the past tense not because the feeling is gone but more as a fading feeling.

As far as what meaning I’ve ascribed to my life so far, well so far I have a very minimal description.  Provide a life of relative comfort for myself and my family, continue to expand my mind through learning, and spreading my thoughts.  I guess in a way that last one will make me somewhat immortal.  Sure only a handful of people will ever read this but these thoughts will live forever in the “mind” of the internet.

I’m still working through my depression and probably will for a long while.  But I’m actually working on it instead of “giving it to god” which is a phrase I never understood.  What are your thoughts on meaning for life?  How do you ascribe meaning to your life?


Old habits die hard…

Sorry for my absence this week.  It’s been absolutely nuts ending with my daughter breaking her ankle. She’s fine other than she can’t walk on it being in a cast. This is the source of much frustration for her. But the event brought some things to mind. 

As we got ready to bring her to the hospital I remember praying that she’d be ok. As I’m thinking this to myself I wonder wait who am I praying to?  Strong force of habit. This has been the first big thing that has happened that was out of my control. I guess it makes sense that I would fall back on that even though there’s nothing there. 

It’s hard to get past 18 years of indoctrination. Being pumped full of lies and leanings on confirmation bias. I remember asking for nothing to be broken (it was). Back in my believing days I would have just thought “well I guess it’s just not part of God’s plan.” I was always told that god answers prayers in three ways, yes,no, and not yet. Looking at that logic now that literally covers all the bases.  God can’t lose with that premise. 

Truth is my daughter’s ankle was broken the moment she fell from that slide. No amount of praying to anything could have changed that. It makes more sense that the universe doesn’t care one way or another about anyone than pain being part of some kind of devine plan.