I don’t know

This is a phrase with which I’ve become more comfortable.  When I was a believer I thought I had a book with all the answers to everything.  That god had an explanation for the inner workings of the universe all the way down to my little life on a speck of dust in it. Any moral question, any cosmological question, any question about what I was supposed to do with my life, was written down for me.  Life was simpler then I suppose.  I didn’t have to do much thinking.

As I deconverted I began to realize I don’t know everything anymore, at least in my own mind.  This was a scary realization at first.  How was I going to make decisions?  I used to pray before nearly every decision I made and wait for a response from god.  That obviously wasn’t going to work now.  I used to look through my Bible and search for answers, also won’t work any more.

I began to realize what I was really doing all that time was mulling over the options in that prayer time and settling on what I thought was the best direction to go.  So with that problem somewhat solved I still had some of those big questions up there that I didn’t know the answer to.  What happens when we die?  Where did the universe come from? How did life start? The more I thought about it the more comfortable with “I don’t know” as an answer.  Sure I can do some research and learn as much as I could about those things if they really bothered me.  The truth of the matter is they don’t.  I don’t have any real vested interest in those things.  They don’t have any bearing on my day to day life.  I don’t plan on becoming an expert in cosmology or biology, nor to I have a plan to be a professional debater on these topics, so I don’t know is a comfortable answer for now.

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