Weird Day

I’ve felt off all day.  Very self reflective.  I’ve felt almost like I was viewing my day in the third person.  I’ve been thinking a lot about me lately.  I know that might sound strange but it’s not something I used to do, at all.  I used to deflect these types of moods by asking god for direction, or what should I be praying about, or ask for peace.  It was odd not doing that and actually thinking about who I am and what I’m doing here.  Am I going to be doing the exact same thing 10 years from now?  Do I want to be?  Before it was easier beacuse you know “god has a plan for your life.”  I didn’t have to think about planning.  I didn’t have to think about what the future held because god was in control.

I supposed that lead to a bit less stress in life.  If god had this master plan then I didn’t have to worry about the future.  If I got good things god was looking out for me.  If I didn’t get what I wanted god knew best.  It was simpler.  It was easier.  Even as I sit here writing this and seeing all the good things right around the corner I have a feeling of weight on my sholders.  I’m responsible for my life.  I’m responsible for what happens next.  Perhaps I need to pick up the slack a bit.  Perhaps I need to start living my life instead of letting it just happen to me.  That brings on a new level of apprehention.  I’m not the only one depending on me anymore.  I have my family to worry about.  I can’t just up and quit my job tomorrow and figure it out.  I need to be able to provide for them (Not that my wife couldn’t but we’re not in that place now).

I want to be a writer full time someday.  However I find my self spending little to no time developing that skill.  I have so many day to day commitments that it doesn’t become a prioirty.  It doesn’t cross my mind to schedule in time to do that.  And the moments where I do have that free time to do it, I’m exhausted.  All I want to do is sleep.

Sorry this became somewhat of a pity party but I thought I’d share and get these thoughts out into the ether.  How do you manage your day to day and still find time for your passion?  How do you juggle kids, a job, a wife?  I don’t have a social life so this should be easier.

2 thoughts on “Weird Day

  1. Gaze up into the stars and meditate, just a moment, on incredible you. There are one hundred billion neurons in your brain, the number of stars in the Milky Way. You are made of matter and energy that is infinite. You are a junction of everything that has ever and will ever exist. You are a part of the universe that is able to ponder its own existence. Every day may not seem elaborate or exciting from your current vantage point, but every word you speak, emotion you express, or choice you make creates ripples, both figurative and physical, in our universe. Sometimes taking a moment to simply be part of life now is more important than making incredible strides towards an unknown future. Yes, we can’t “rest assured that God has a plan,” but the universe is immense and operates in the seamless, clockwork perfection of its own laws. The same way we can trust the sun will be in the sky tomorrow, (even without godly intervention) we can trust that our lives have a purpose, and fit perfectly in the beautiful map of the cosmos. Stay strong!

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