I’ve been struggling for the past few weeks. I’m having a hard time. I hate that I’m feeling this way and perhaps I just need to write it out to get it off my mind. I’m remembering the time when I used to believe. I used to have a sense of doing something greater than myself. Or at the very least something other than work and family. Don’t get me wrong I love my family. I cherish them. I don’t mind my job. It’s a good job with great benefits. But I feel like I’m stuck in a rut I’ll never escape. I know the kids will get bigger and more self-sufficient but it’s hard to see that light right now. Do I think believing in a god would change that? No. There was something about getting up Sunday mornings and doing something though. Something that broke up the monotony of everyday life.

I’m not looking to go back but there is something missing. Perhaps I’m just bored? Perhaps I need a hobby? I feel somewhat like a ship without a rudder, like I’m going through the motions of life and not really living it. I know that won’t come with a false belief in a deity, I can’t fake it just to fill this one piece. Overall I’ve been happier and less stressed since leaving religion. I don’t know how else to fulfill this need. Maybe it’s the lack of interaction with new people? I see the same handful of people every day. Nothing changes. It’s like living in the movie groundhogs day.

I’m reading this and realizing how easy a mark I’m making myself. How easy it will be for a theist to point and say “See! Atheism gives you no purpose! You need God to give you meaning!” and that’s fine, point away. Make me your example. But I can’t put the rose colored glasses back on. I’d rather try and figure this out alone than have a false comfort. I’d rather wrestle with this and find what I’m looking for with hard work than being handed meaningless platitudes. I’ve memorized all those. I need a real solution.

I’m not sure if anyone else feels or has felt this way but I’d love to chat with someone about it. Even if it is just shared commiseration. Or if you have some thoughts on how to work through these feelings. I’m not very proficient at that. I’m good at feeling them just not the processing part.